


Never Know

by erintoknow



Series: Aria [41]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Coming Out, Depression, F/F, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, Recovery, Social Anxiety, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 13:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20026606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erintoknow/pseuds/erintoknow
Summary: You don't know.Can never know.





	Never Know

Her apartment again.

You keep coming here, feathers to flame. You need to stop. Or Julia does. Or _something_ needs to happen before the bile overwhelms you and pools out your eyes. It’s not that you don’t deserve to have every moment of joy struck through with guilt, regret. It’s that she doesn’t deserve what you’re doing to her.

You smile at Julia as she hands you your plate back, realize this might be the first time you’ve eaten all day. It’s easy to forget; there’s always something more important to do. But you know how to hide it, what not to say. Julia has enough to worry about on your behalf already. You don’t want to add anything more.

Ortega isn’t as strong as she pretends she is. You know what to look for. The stolen moment where you think no one sees, and you don’t need to preform. The turns of phrase that slip through coached vocabulary. She’s hurting. And if you aren’t already part of why yet, you will be.

You can feel it in you teeth as you muddle through small talk. When did you learn how to do this dance? Is it all just training? To know when to smile, to look away, how to sneak-watch her do the same. She sets the music and you follow her lead automatically. You’ve always been prone to mirroring your conversation partners.

Did you just mirror yourself into a relationship?

Is her affection genuine?

Is yours?

How can you know?

You pass her the pitcher of water, laughing at her dumb joke about bra sizes. You can’t know. You can’t ever know. You can’t trust yourself so you just have to trust her. And you want to. So badly. To pretend this could be anything more. That there’s any other way out of this– this haunting you’re trapped in. That you aren’t just making things worse every time you let her talk you into a darkened bedroom.

Because you don’t trust her.

Because you’re still lying.

Because you’re still a parasite; stealing love that could have gone to a real person.

She’s going to find out sooner or later. You’ll make a stupid mistake or get too comfortable, or maybe she beats Adrestia in a fight, peeling off every protective layer you’ve fought so hard to wrap around yourself.

“Ari– Ari, you okay?” Julia is looking at you. How long has she been doing that?

You bite you lip, slap your hand down away from your face. “I’m fine! It’s fine. Just…” You arch your eyebrows, look appropriately apologetic. “Just tired.”

A crease of worry passes over Julia’s face, you let her rest her hand over yours on the table. Julia Ortega, always touching, touching, touching. It’s as if she’s afraid the moment she lets go you’ll fall into the sea.

Ortega and touch. Even before everything went to Shit, she was always so tactile. Setting boundaries had been A Thing between the two of you. When did you stop minding? When did you start touching her almost as much as she touched you?

“You’ve hardly eaten anything.” She says, pulling you out of your head.

You look down at your plate. Realize you’ve been stirring the spaghetti on your fork for the past five minutes. Shit. You must be _really_ out of it tonight if not even sharing dinner with Ortega will get you to eat. You put your fork down, now you’ve got both hands on the table. What are you doing?

“S-sorry, not that hungry tonight.” You hear yourself say before pushing your chair back and getting up. Watch yourself walk out to the living room, past the couch, the TV. Stare out the window, remember too many other times here, first as friends now as… something else.

Julia follows after you, but at least she offers you the courtesy of a few feet distance. “Did something happen today, Ariadne?”

“Happen?” You echo back, then giggle. Anxious. “Nothing happened today. Not yet. Nothing’s happened yet.” You keep your gaze outwards through the glass of the balcony door. If you opened the door, could you jump over the railing before Julia could catch you?

Something to think about. You might need an exit strategy soon.

You pull at a strand of your hair, curl it around your finger, pull harder until it hurts. A hand grabs your wrist and Julia turns you towards her, her eyes searching your face. “You’re uh… You’re kind of scaring me right now Ari.” She rubs your wrist between her fingers, you will yourself not to collapse onto her.

You’re so tired.

“I– I have something that I…” You lick you lips. “There’s something else that I need to tell you.”

She stares at you, expression growing graver by the minute. It’s still not too late, you know her language. You could lean in, kiss her. She’d like that. You would too. Let it distract you both. Put it off a little while longer.

You let your face crack in a half-smile, gesture with your eyes. “Maybe we can– we can sit down.”

“Okay.” Ortega is tense. You let her lead you to the couch, sit down beside her. She’s still holding your wrist. Won’t let you go. “What’s going on?” Not for the first time you wonder how much she actually knows about you. What she suspects. The way she looks at you now, full-focus, what does she think you’re going to tell her? You wish could know.

“I–” You open your mouth and flinch, try again, “Well I–” again, “That is to say…” You clench your fists. “I’m sorry.” You watch yourself shake.

“It’s okay.” Julia says. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

You try to smile. “I– I wouldn’t be so quick to say that. If I were you.” You pull at your arm, “Can you– Can you let me stand up? I think it might be… might be easier just to show you.”

“Show me? Ari? Show me what?”

“_Please_.” You pry at her fingers with your other hand.

She lets you go, still looking you in the eyes. It’s overwhelming. You almost fall down the minute you stand up. “I… I really am sorry.” You run your hands down the front of your dress, find the hem, bunch it up in your fingers. “I tried to tell you– tried to tell you before.” You feel sick, dizzy. “I’m not real.” You pull the hem of your dress up, up and over your head and off your shoulders, shaking out first one arm from its sleeve then the other.

Hands trembling you you carefully fold the dress in front of you before letting it fall to the floor. On last feeble delay tactic. You don’t need to look at yourself to know what Julia will see:

What the orange lines running up from your leggings and under your bra must mean.

How everything converges on the bar code printed just below your clavicle, visible between your breasts.

“Here– here I am.” You say. “Ta-da…”

You wait for her to say something.

Do something.

What is she thinking?

You don’t know. Can never know.


End file.
